17th Aug 2005
I recently completed this questionnaire for a South African newspaper to promote a comedy festival I'm appearing at in Cape Town (my 4th visit) for 3 weeks at the end of September:
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
An Aubergine Parmegiana and a glass of Pinotage... and finding out that we never really die.
2. What is your greatest fear?
3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
4. Which living person do you most admire?
The Graffiti artist "Banksy" ,if you've never heard of him he does incredible stencil graffiti with a point. Check out www.banksy.co.uk
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Procrastination, and never actually finishing anything except my meals.
6. What is the trait that you most deplore in others?
Selfishness in all it's forms, from littering to violence.
7. What is your greatest extravagance?
My wife is due to give birth to triplets in November so I reckon pretty soon it'll be them.
8. What is your favourite journey?
Either driving down from London to Devon in the South West of England or last time I was in Cape Town Longboarding from The Mount Nelson Hotel down to the V&A waterfront.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
Try not to if I can help it, but we all lie occasionally don't we?*
usually to save somebodies feelings, "erm...yes, I think Tristrum is a lovely name for your first born"
10. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
I hate this huge red top hat I always wear...it's aggressive.
11. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
a couple of my own expressions like: "Mothers Crumble" and "Ladyplace"
12. What is your greatest regret?
I think it's gotta be this bloody red top hat...
13. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My wife Sarah and my 3 unborn children
14. When and where were you happiest?
I think on a facile level it would have been August 1997 when I was taken up to the edinburgh Festival with a package comedy show of 8 comics all of who'm were my mates, we had an absolutely amazing time. More recently it was moving into my cool 1960's townhouse in South London. Architecture and design from that era is one of my abiding passions and now I live in a really good example. And ofcourse my wedding day in September 99.
15. Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd love to be an amazing songwriter...I've written a few, but they are for a niche market. 16. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?*
I would make all of them including me more able to listen.
17. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I guess becoming a headline comedian and getting good at being funny professionally... oh, and I once did a 540 spin out the top of a 16 foot half pipe on rollerskates in the 1980's.
18. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
19. If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
You guys have just repeated yourself there....?...but it's still Aubergine.
20. What is your most treasured possession?
Probably a rare metal "Buck Rogers" space gun from the 1940's as featured on the cover of the first "Foo Fighters" album, I bought it from America on Ebay. I collect space guns you see...... not nurdy is it?*
21. What is your favourite occupation?
I'd be pretty weird if I said Printing wouldn't I?*
22. What is your most marked characteristic?
Neurotic but likeable for it.
23. What is the quality you most like in a man?
A female ego
24. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
25. What do you most value in your friends?
Wit and wisdom
26. Who are the heroes in real life?
"No more heroes any more".....The Stranglers, circa 1978
27. What is it that you most dislike?
The next question is pretty horrible.....
28. How would you like to die?
At 108, with my pants round my ankles, face down in a plate of Aubergine Parmegiana having outlived my wife by a month.
29. What is your motto?
"Never finish a questionnaire without including the word Chutney !"